Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
