He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
