you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you still have your period?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
