Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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