I'm really into asian looking animals
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
