So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
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you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special