Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
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making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
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someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.