Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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