After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I would ride that face into the sunset
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
