but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
