u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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