I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
