every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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