You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
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Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
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Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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