New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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