I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
