My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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