after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
