the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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