tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
