I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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