I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
