I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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