is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
