dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
