So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
