is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
