Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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