after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
