I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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