and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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