The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
