rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
