I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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