Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is Oprah even human
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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