Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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