phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
