My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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