my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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