i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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