I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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