He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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