Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
