dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
