dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
