Umm I'm too high to move.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
