she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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