Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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