Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
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I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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