Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Congratulations! We have a period
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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