i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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