He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
