I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
