I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
cat food counts as protein by the way
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
