you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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