I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
