So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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