My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
