Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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