So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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